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so yesterday brandon told me that he hated me and my blog, then a bunch of nonsensical reasons why. i wasnt surprised because it was brandon, but i did get to thinking and have to decided to update back to back with something a little more important.

but to start it all off i figured why not a random thought:

have you ever noticed how suspiciously long a regular sized bottle of contact solution lasts. i only brought 2 normal sized bottles of Bausch and Lombe with me to Israel, under the assumption each would last a couple months and then i'd be forced into paying some exorbitant amount to purchase some here from a company i recognize. but no! i'm still on my first bottle and we've already passed the 5 month mark. only 4 1/2 left to go and i this bad boy's still going strong, its bound to get me at least another month and a half. anyways i was just in my bathroom taking my contacts out and this came up, thought id share.

now on to a little heavier fare:

sometimes being here i get really wrapped up in trying to define my Judaism, while simultaneously trying to rebuff the advances of the more religious on my life, which gets to be a bit complicated when trying to find where i can possibly fit in when im constantly feeling outcast and pressured or simply uninterested in participating. why just today i had a minor squabble with this american orthodox woman i work with who among other things is a rabbi's daughter from long island and had made aliyah several years ago. one of the other women we work with benignly made a comment about the upcoming election in the states that normally would have gone unnoticed had this woman not been paying attention. unfortunately, mostly for me, she was and instead she aggressively, and awkwardly pointed in my direction, started spewing out her opinions, "we" (being american transplants in israel) "vote as israelis, only whats best for israel, we dont even care about america". resisting for the most part the urge to point out it also being in israel's best interest she not disregard what is best for america as well, i stood placidly against the wall taking my door monitor duties very seriously (those elderly sure are spry, i cant let them pull a fast one on me now can i). so she then decided upon more blunt tactics and addressed me directly, "chana" (she refuses to call me anne, because now that i live in israel its more appropriate that i go by my hebrew name, when asked if i minded and i suggested anne would be just fine she thought better of my youthful protests - i already wasnt a huge fan of this woman if that wasnt evident) "you need to forget your liberal ideals for a change and do whats best for israel".

needless to say i was a bit steamed, without even addressing all of the issues with her thought process, ill just say that i had a hard time swallowing the fact that i was sitting there being judged by a member of my own literal tribe for being different in the way i look, lead my life and my religious convictions. this person i consider to be ignorant, in so many more areas than just that of politics to most people is nothing more than extension of me, and i her; we are inextricably linked together, and will always be, despite any protests i might have about that fact.

at moments like this i question my judaism, at least my willingness to be categorized into any sort of group with an individual so ignorant (dont get me wrong there arent any groups that im aware of in which such ignorance doesnt exist, nor any in which i would ever be 100% comfortable being a part of) - but its right then as my mind is whirring that i look to my right and i see rosa. rosa is an 80 something year old hungarian woman with Alzheimer's, it isnt so horribly advanced yet and she remembers me every week. shes incredible and speaks four languages and we talk about her grandchildren (one of whom is getting married in jerusalem next week). but of course she has her off days, and when she does she reverts back to a place where all she can think about and all she talks to me about is the holocaust. we talk about her nightmares, her experience being on the first train of cattle cars coming from hungary to auschwitz, and sometimes we talk about how she lost her whole family. occasionally the woman who sits next to her begins to cry, she likewise lost her entire family there. sometimes i see the two of the chattering away in yiddish, a language destroyed with their families, spoken now only by the haredi, a fanatical religious sect who in my opinion missed the boat more than just a little bit, but whom id never wish such horrors on. ive always recognized the part of my being that strongly identified myself as being jewish being directly linked to the holocaust and the idea that they/i had no say in the matter of being jewish or not. but it was this connection i made between the yiddish of old and its immpractical use in the haredi community now that made me realize that i am proud to cast my lot in with them, that i choose to, with all of them.

another somber story comes to mind that reminds me of my convictions. about a month ago my four roommates and i went down to Tel Aviv with the LA federation chair woman lisa to tour around our volunteer opportunities. in the middle of the day we headed into yaffo for lunch, and ended up at this great little libyan restaurant at lisa's suggestion. casually in conversation she mentioned how nice it was to lunch with people, and that she wished her and her husband were able to. she had told us earlier they were both working in jerusalem so one of us asked why they never did. maybe a little too matter of factly she responded "because we dont want to orphan our children". husband and wife, same city, same lunch hour, two separate cafes. this is her reality, this is israels reality, this is my reality. i cast my lot in with them too.

and with the people of sderot who daily have kassam rockets blindly falling on their city. to the traumatized children and parents who are sick of hiding in bomb shelters several hours a day, and whos lives will always be tainted with poison terrorism breeds.

i likewise cast my lot in with all of the members of the diaspora population, those leading happy, healthy, successful lives and equally those feeling the stings of growing antisemitism across the world, to the man who had dogs released on him in germany to the jewish population in brazil having to deal with a holocaust themed float in carnival this year.

at the end of the day i dont have to agree with everyone jewish, or find them tolerable. i dont have to define my judaism now, or ever. but i do most importantly have to cast my lot in with them, with all of them.

i know this was a bit heavier than usual (and i thank you for bearing with me), but sometimes i need it written down, the reasons why im here. and sometimes i need other people to know, without propaganda or the force feeding hand of the media, what it means to me, to one individual person, to be jewish, to be in israel, to fight the fight and see the struggle. and i dont complain about being born jewish, but sometimes i just want you to see that it is harder, that our reality is darker.

Anne