the grand fml

last night in my stupor i went to set down my favorite ring on the sink counter.  you know the one, its a white gold class ring from my high school, with real diamonds...i mean its not mine necessarily and the graduation date is off by 2 years, but i love love love it.  well guess what the latest accessory to be added to my pipe system is.

fml3

while playing with my hair in class today that same professor said "yes elizabeth do you have a question?"  my name is anne.

fml2

in response to an essay question i filled out for a midterm my professor wrote, "no"

fml

while brushing my teeth in the shower this morning, i noticed my toothbrush had the faint aroma of mold.

movin on up

im sitting on campus eating a horrible sandwich right now.  i made it myself.  i dont even understand what happened to me this morning.

i almost dont want tell you whats on it, but its so terrible its funny.  

2 slices generic imitation-wheat white bread

wegmans brand hard salami

wegmans brand deli sliced swiss

plochmans yellow mustard

- and the kicker -

miracle whip

i mean seriously this sandwich was god awful, but not even that can keep my spirits down because IT has happened. 

what IT is this zealously capitalized it i speak of you ask

well after months of badgering anyone who would listen to me kvetch about how i should be a coach and shift-leader at work, i have finally been approached with step one: “the coaches passport”.  i KNEW they needed me.  how could I possibly be a  regular server.  im honestly just surprised that the restaurant was able to function thus far without me in a position of nominal power.  dear washingtonian, thanks for rating us #99 out of 100 best this year - we’re coming for you next year with me at the helm.  i already know that im going to look back on the days when i was “one of them” and think - “that was so long ago, i dont even remember what its like to be so regular” and then me and all of my other friends (presumably upper management) will laugh and go to our secret shift leaders fort in the labyrinth of garage level b1.

two notes:

1.)  approached might not be the accurate term for “shannon can i please be a coach please please?” and “i guess anne”

2.) i dont feel like filling out this passport, its kind of absurd and i really do only work like 2 days a week - maybe this is why they kept saying no to me.  i have to list all of my positive and negative attributes as an employee and human being, then come up with “strategies” on how to solve my deepest seeded issues.  i also have to do a follow shift.  which means that a server who is training and being followed by a coach will also be being followed by me.  

 

this is what that looks like to the diner: server, back-up server, back-up back-up server all peering over their table and discussing loudly the things they did wrong and could have done better.  way to instill confidence in your patrons.

as there often is: the silver lining

BLACK CHERRY CITRUS FRESCA

so fresh

if you have ever wondered to yourself

“how does a person like me become best friends with anne?”

i will give you a little hint today.

1.) get ahold of my address

2.) mail me something like this:

heres a close up on that

thats right! and i got 2 of them!

LUCKY!

3.) also note the creative name addressing.  unique flourishes like this will set you apart from the throngs of others currently invested in being my pen pal.

edit out would of course be the address itself (you gotta work for that!)

there might even be the chance i take pictures of it and post it online, like this here “gift” i received from one brandon w. p.  what a true friend.   

as a matter of fact brandon is basically a wizard when it comes to mailing me things,

other interesting gifts:

a broken plastic dolphin figurine stolen from an office mate

one size 12 womens black pleather and rhinestone mule, also stolen from office mate

and so on in this fashion.

chronicle of a drunk foretold

WARNING: graphic content!


after going out with some friends and perhaps imbibing a small amount of what we will refer to as"booze" last night, i came home and was preparing for bed.  i turned the lights off and was trying to navigate my way to the bed in the dark.  when wouldnt you know it but i sliced my toe on an opened drawer.  thats normal.  ughh it was bleeding everywhere, and its like the band-aids are two whole floors above me you know.  anyways long story short i wake up to this...

that would be my left foot in a sock (unpictured: my bare right foot).  if you look carefully enough you might notice that the sock looks a little bulky around the pinky toe.  well that would be because...

during my stupor i decided that instead of making the trek up the staggering two sets of staircases i would instead slather my toe in disinfectant and cloak it in toilet paper until it became...

a hardened cast of blood and bacitracin.  gross.

a little more gratuitous blood for you

moral of the story....

just go find the damn band-aids

anne