It's All Coming Back to Me Now

I think I would be a great teacher, with one small exception, I might happen to be prone to extreme favoritism and disdain for my students.

There is one little girl in my kindergarten class that I absolutely despise, it's almost irrational how much I don't like her. Especially because I don't even speak her language, I just always assume she's doing things that annoy me and is always pestering the students that I actually like. That and the fact that she is like a giantess, now don't go getting all offended, I'm not even specifically saying fat. She's just the largest little child I've ever seen, she must be at least 3 times the size of all of the other regular kids That bothers me immensely, she throws off the aesthetics of the class room. Not to mention, she's always wearing this heinous white lace hair netting over the back of her braided pig tails. Plus last class she tried to trick me and looked behind her so she could try to sneak by me, don't you know me bitch, don't play games. Ugh I feel like the Asian cheerleader in Bring It On who gets into the fight with that little girl.


So besides being a bad person and hating children, which mind you isn't my fault, we don't all have the unfortunate genetic disposition to love all things little, snotty (literally), dirty and annoying, things have been settling in quite nicely. I find myself bored quite often, which Serena pointed out wasn't such a bad thing. When you live somewhere boring, sometimes you're bored. Simple as that, shockingly all of us were kind of surprised to think about it in terms like that. These last five months have been so go go go I'd been forgetting to breathe. In the massive amounts of downtime we now have my roommates and I have decided to spend our time productively in light of the forthcoming election back in the motherland. We've been doing extensive research on the executive branch of the government. We realized we were a bit behind for all of the knowledge we needed to quickly amass, and what way better than rapid-fire conversation riddled with obscure and asinine trivia factiods - i.e. the brilliance that is Aaron Sorkin and the West Wing. We are five seasons deep (yes I'm aware Sorkin left after the fourth season due to some drug related "issues", if it matters I never saw them as issues, no ones mind jumps around like that who isn't on drugs) although my roommates do leave me behind occasionally if I'm busy, so I have a few spotty episodes here and there I need to catch up on. Something tells me I'll be able to pencil it, no scratch that, ink it into my calendar.

I'm also supposedly studying for my Bat Mitzvah, it turns out I haven't developed any suppressed or untapped study skills in the two years since I went on sabbatical from school. Also my ego that tells me anything a 13 year old boy can do in 2 years I can reasonably learn in 7 weeks. I don't even care that these young boys have already had 6 years of Hebrew under their belt and a mass of knowledge on the Torah and Judaism in general, G.D. I'm 20 years old! I can do it. I'm assuming the panic will set in come April 11th when I realize I don't even know my parsha in English. So I've still got time, no worries.

In the meantime, instead of studying I've been watching youtube clips of last seasons winner of America's Got Talent, and more importantly compiling lists with Jessica. They are the following:

Things I love about Celine Dion:
her fierce weave
a foreign accent I find decipherable
any/all facial expressions, especially Elvis-esque lip curls
old ass husband
this one ring I saw her wearing on a clip from Ellen that looks like a jaguar eating her finger completely encrusted in what i can only presume were bedazzler rhinestones
the ability to conduct electricity
that speaking has become secondary to singing, especially when it comes to responding to questions
that damned Titanic song
whatever the name of that CD she put out with the song where the guy gets into a motorcycle accident and it's really amazingly 90's over dramatic, plus all of the other songs on that particular release
the Chrysler commercial
the fact that by licensing her song for the Chrysler commercial she got a free Town & Country, way to hold out for the money swag
white horses
exercise videos
thumb energies, so necessary
who let Celine out?
her son's name sounds like Ray Charles
all of the parents and children of the world
her wardrobe
that damned ring again
her elongated Canadian face
Cirque de Celine
Celine solution
that there is only one of her
she does not have a little eye like occasionally I do in pictures
if I had to make a wish for the Make a Wish Foundation it would be to meet her, and she would probably cure me with her tears like a phoenix
that if I log into youtube and press the drop down button on the search box her name is generally in the top five of recent searches
she's bilingual
her country has socialized health care
she buys things with loonies (and toonies)
she probably likes other horses than just white ones
has most likely met the Queen of England
...potentially is the Queen?
Oprah probably listens to her in the privacy of her own home, or luxury penthouse apartment in Chicago
is either always drunk or maybe never drinks
made me realize Canada isn't just the United State's fancy hat
is not divorced
I would probably buy Celine memorabilia and use it as intended (if I wasn't keeping it in the original packaging so as not to devalue it, maybe just 2 of everything)
she probably smells good, she does have her own perfume
I can buy it and probably smell good too
wears heels well, maybe she even wears them while riding her horses in several assorted colors
was the lead character in Beauty and the Beast
is not racist (that I know of)
infinite wisdom
makes any song sound basically like angels are whispering in my ear
is too famous for Dancing with the Stars
is taller than me
personally saved Canada's economy and all world travel
likes McDonald's
owns 1300 hospitals for kittens
is 3 months younger than her stepson
most likely signed her life away to Rene in some sort of marriage/legal slavery contract at 15
broadcast her sons baptism across the Canadian subcontinent
pioneered the internet and the Oregon Trail


Things I don't like about Celine Dion:




So as you can see conclusively, Celine Dion is pretty cool.
*disclaimer, Jessica and I might have "fictionalized" some parts

next week CHER!!!!


In conclusion this weekend for shabbat I will be going to spend time with this emotionally unstable American ex-pat and her Israeli husband in a moshav somewhere near here. 30+ hours of forced religious fun time, lights off according to a preset timer, floor length wrap skirts, talking about her dysfunctional family, sleeping on the floor of her 3 year old daughters room so I can read her English stories, not showering, eating vegetarian kosher food, and keeping a grin plastered on my face while I contemplate all of the ways I can escape to use my cell phone. Something tells me an update will follow soon with those juicy deets.

okkk,
C.W. Ginsburg

I think I'm going to start publishing under my party name, because why not!