oh my freak

so the aim of todays blog entry is to find a way to be completely appropriate, so that ashleys mother can read it and then think that im a really good person. good luck to me.

this morning i was really sluggish getting up, it took about 4 solid minutes of "love dont let me go" blaring in my ear from my cellular telephone until i realized that it was my alarm and not some a-hole calling me in the early morning hours. it took another minute or so to decide it was in fact more annoying to listen to not very good techno, than to have to open my eyes, roll over and turn the damned thing off (im doing a horrible job making this appropriate if cursing is a problem). i finally managed to get out of bed and have a blissful few morning facebook moments to check on my popularity which is ever growing before i hoped in the shower. i keep leaving my stupid ipod in the truck so i was forced to listen to connors music in the shower, luckily he has 9 third eye blind songs, so i had fodder for cleansing time. i already knew no one was home and boy did i sing my heart out. one day im going to be a rock musician, just like ericka ekstrom and bret michaels. anyways heres where i feel like my story really kicks it up, BAM, a few notches. im out of the shower, right, and im getting dressed as per usual for work in my jlo glo jeans (to make an appearance later), black socks, shoes, belt and white fruit of the loom mens small v-neck, when what do i see but non other than fucking aragog from harry potter (if you arent so well read as i, thats the giant spider from the second book) only BIGGER. like aragogs cousin magragog or something. i was so tired, but i had to deal with it. ugh dont you hate that. its like really magragog why today of all days you know, yesterday i was more alert, probably after work even ill be good, but right now like i have to get dressed and make some coffee but no, instead i had to have a BATTLE ROYALE. which consisted of me collecting all of my shoes, standing on my wrought iron twin bed and hurling them at the pile of clothing mags was hiding in on my floor right next to my mothers antique collection of coca cola bottles she likes to pretend are mine, all the while squealing. he got all up in my other work jeans, which made me really angry because like i didnt want to wear the jlo ones today, they arent everyday jeans, they are for special occasions, but now that there was spider germs all up in my granes i couldnt bring myself to wear them. if im being honest, i thought it might be possible that magragog had some how managed to lay eggs in my jeans, and the thought of hundreds of thousands of probably millions of little tiny brown hairy spiders bursting to life and crawling up my leg while i was say driving while texting on my way to work or even secretly checking my texts in the side stand while at work made me want to vomit and pass out for like at least a half an hour. point being i couldnt wear them, other point being this battle was fierce, i even had to recollect some shoes, i must have thrown close to 40 until i finally got him to succumb to my shear force and will. never underestimate a half asleep girl with a pair of fresh air force ones my friend, it could mean danger for you!


as you can well see the beast slumbers...forever

in other news i did still find time to make my coffee and a fried egg sandwich on buttered toast with, heavily seasoned in black pepper and salt with melted provolone. it was pretty tasty if i do say so myself, and i did a damn fine job of not breaking the yolk when i flipped the egg, which is lucky because realistically i would have had a fit with myself thrown it out, started over and been late to work. but it didnt so that was nice, i munched down, drank my coffee, drove to work, went to tie my walmart servers sneaks in the parking lot and what do i see but...


shit EGG YOLK all over my GLOs! ugh this is all magragogs fault

well whatever i got over all of that, made virtually no money at work today, which was whatever since i find it difficult to care about most things since i had fun anyways and ashley did come to visit. had a nice lunch with winston at the olive garden because someone (hint: not me) only likes dining at chains and since basically my entire life revolves around food and eating and being snobby it was my first choice. i will say in their defense, fine the bread sticks are good, congratulations. i ate enough to want to die, so i bought a sugar free redbull for work. winston says i have to work up to the more intense energy drinks so that i dont have a heart attack on the floor. i thought that was relatively sound advice. after work i ate winstons left over cheese raviolis that had been sitting in my car for several hours festering. whos the food snob now. then i came home and had the pleasure of not only watching the secret diaries and weeds but TED ALLENS new foodnetwork show. TED ALLEN. the ted allen. as in ted allen ted allen. god he is so GREAT. and i caught previews for a new show ask aida with aida mollenkamp. shes a lucky bitch. what she just likes food and writing about it and talking to people. who doesnt. why not give me a show. ok yeah so she did go to culinary school...at le cordon bleu in paris, but f it. what does she really have that i dont. nothing, thats what.

anyways i cant really think of what else to say, other than its really late and my eyes are going all shifty on me. ashley maybe you can edit out the parts your mom
wouldnt like and then you can show her. i tried you know.


until later
Anne

i got my crabs at captain pells

home from work and loungin in the den with my moms watching some what not to wear, that somehow sparked her mentioning to me she wishes she could throw me and that she was the most "physical" with me growing up. and i quote "do you remember the time i dragged you up the stairs?"

uncomfortable...quick segue...


so i remember mentioning that id include some fun work anecdotes in a previous entry, heres my first one:

woman (who may or may not have had aspergers so this is potentially not funny/even funnier?(anne youre awful)): do you have any low alcohol beers?
me: why indeed we do
woman: can i please have one?
me: absolutely, can i see your id maam?
woman: oh well ha, heavens me im going to be 32 next week
me: well you just wouldnt know it, you dont look a day over 26
woman: oh well thank you darling, you look pretty young yourself...you could pass for 28.
me: oh...thanks... *forced smile as her asian dining guests apologized to me*

and that was the time in which a valued guest, who drinks low alcohol beers mind you, told me that i could possibly pass for looking as young as 28. i look really good in my uniform.

today was my first unsupervised shift on the floor. it was surprisingly really fun. now i know that im the kind of person that really only likes to do things for somewhere right around four months, but i think at the very least its going to be a really fun four months. i think i didnt do terribly and the people were relatively enjoyable...also no one told me that i was a decade older than i am so that was nice. although one man, who we will just say comes from a country where tipping obviously doesnt occur, left me 21 cents. that says cents. cents dont buy much of anything. actually cents dont buy anything i feel like. thats not even enough for a gumball. not that id want a gumball, but for fucksake lets say i did, well i couldnt have one. i would legitimately have to beg 4 cents off of someone else, someone who made more than 21 cents at their table i suppose.




well whatever, with the rest of the money that i actually did make im going out for a FANCY CRAB FEAST with paul-e wall-e (thats a cultural reference nickname right there friends) at captain pells fairfax crabhouse (not to be confused with captain pells bareback crabhouse where danielle is going this evening). im very excited, and i deserve it. god i think highly of myself. i hope my crabs arent from maryland, even though theyre meant to be delicious and superiour to our virginia crabs maryland is dirty, and im not and i hate maryland.

double tomorrow.
we'll talk soon



anne

)*9(

I just walked in the door from my college orientataion, and i only almost burst into tears three times. it was awful and boring and my academic advisor didnt seem to think it was important to show up so i had to talk to some random man in another area of disinterest. im taking classes im sure ill hate, but they sound easy so thats nice.

other news 2 follows down, 2 left, until im officially a waitress. isnt that fun. youll have to come and see me. i might be able to get you some free fountain drinks!!! i think i might not actually be horrible at this job. i might even be good at it, i dont want to put too much pressure on myself of course, because being medicore is ok too, but maybe just maybe i wont be.

brandon is awful he doesnt want to come and vsit

i hate sharing cars with the fam, im stuck at home with the caddy and its out of oil


lately ive been feeling like writing something like oh i dont know slightly deeper perhaps, but its like for some reason i feel its inappropriate. maybe ill just shelve that thought for a while, or put it in the handy dandy real journal ive got.

this post is terrible but i dont care

$5 foot long

so work work work lets see
well tuesday i had to eat everything on the menu
it turns out every single thing we serve tastes exactly the same
it turns out that after 6 servings my stomach starts to revolt
i legitimately got to a place where if i opened my mouth to speak vomit would have just spilled out
i have my first food runner follow this evening
who hired me i have no idea what im doing
i tried to remember all of the core values of the company after several vicodins
it was really hard, there are 5 of them
(if youre wondering i got a 100% because im baller)



in more exciting news last evening apex nightclub, formerly known as badlands, rescinded their long standing 2 year ban on ME and i was admitted into the festivities. by that i mostly mean that since town has opened apex has steadily been losing business and they really could not care less. i could barely stand by the time i got in. classy. i totally dont miss that place. im totally probably going to go every week anyways. please dont remind me of anything i did or said.



connor is on his way to get me subway right now. i was too lazy to go so i gave him my credit card and my id, im sure thats like legal right. if i dont get my cold cut combo on italian herbs and cheese (with white american, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickle, lite mayo, mustard, salt, pepper, oil & vinegar) i will throw a FIT. a real proper princess FIT, and that most likely wont be cute, i mean im not even wearing a bra.



i like crab legs at hooters, they make me feel rich. just like driving the cadillac. i also like la ink, that show is fun. actually i like a lot of the quality programming on tlc. and bravo. and the food network. those are just fun little tid bits about the real me, you know so we can feel more connected.


well anyways im going to sulk around the house drinking my diet green tea until connor gets back. stay tuned






UPDATE:
my sandwich arrived!
im enjoying it now and watching old episodes of project runway
how fun


anne

the secret diaries....

so i mean ok its been a little over a month since i last posted, whoops. but i really didnt know how i was going to build a bridge between my time in israel and my life here in the states. they really very much have nothing to do with one another. but then it came to me. duh anne it doesnt matter!

so instead ive just come up with a new concept for my blog. im officially calling it "the secret diaries of an upper casual dining restaurant server". two things about the title. 1 i have quite obviously been watching the secret diaries of a call girl on showtime. 2 im pretty sure i can get fired for talking about work online, i know this mostly because it says so right there in my orientation handbook, which is why i have cleverly gotten around naming said upper casual dining restaurant that i got hired at this very afternoon. (you could just look it up on my facebook work info)

anyways from here on out expect fun little anecdotes about my trials and tribulations as a first time waitress, and of course absurdities that follow me around the nations capitol.

blogging is fun
and ive missed it
my brother hid his laptop from me, isnt that rude
i had to take out all of my nose rings for my interview, two of them closed up for the 45 minutes i was inside
work made me go out and buy the UGLIEST shoes, i kind of like them
they are all black leather boys nikes
i bet you probably like them better than the sperry top sider boat shoes i wore to the interview with my gap favorite khaki chinos and my leesburg outlet navy blue polo polo. being classy is something youre born with, sorry kids.

ok time to go to hooters with some dames, trannies, hookers and paul!


annnnnne