B&N

dc parking ticket count for the week: 2 ($20 & $50)

two of my cousins were just in town visiting, so my mother and I drove downtown this morning with Alex to pick up Hallie so we could spend the afternoon together.  About 5 minutes into the ride my mother mentions that hopefully the back pain she'd been having the day before would finally subside since she had just taken some medicine... so of course my first thought is what in the hell.  I asked her was she took and she was all nonchalantly like, "oh you know flexeril, I told the doctor I didn't want any percocet."  So I'm sitting there staring at her smiling this cheshire cat smile, realizing that my mother is high and hurtling down the freeway.   As if that couldn't be more absurd she was speaking to Hallie on the phone so I ask her to ask Hallie to come downstairs "like right now" so my mother turned right...then...

Then taking Alex to the airport today she, Hallie, my mother and I all stopped into the Barnes &  Noble in Georgetown to kill a little time.  We got a really prime parking spot right in front, the premise was that you would use this communal meter like four cars behind us and purchase a parking pass good for two hours.  It was out of order, which only took the three of them like 5 minutes to come to terms with while I coughed and hacked my life up inside Sephora waiting for them.  So being the person that birthed a person such as myself my mother decides that there is just no possible way we are giving this spot up and writes a note on the back of the envelope that read the following: "12/16 2:36pm

we attempted to purchase a parking pass, unfortunately the meter is broken.  

apologies."

I'm not kidding.  

Anyways so we go into Barnes & Noble, Alex and Hallie grab coffees, my mother looked around for the new Sierra Club calendar for 2009, I got myself a lovely new book.   I've found the older I get the more interested I become in non-fiction literature.  To the point that I almos

t exclusively read it.  I suppose that's another reason I'm not an English major.  After all purchases have been made we decide to make our way towards the door, but before we left we had wanted to take a couple of pictures to remember all of us spending the afternoon together.  My family is two things for certain, we are all indecisive and do everything at the last possible moment, i.e. taking family portraits at B&N.  Whatever, so my mother walks up to this young woman and asked if she might not mind taking our picture real quickly.  She responded with, "um I mean I don't know we may get in 

trouble, is this illegal?"  To which I told her that if we got caught we were throwing her under the bus (to use a Top Chef favorite idiom).  She didn't find me particularly funny, she did however take our picture...and on two separate cameras.  Although I do have to say I've never seen someone look so uncomfortable.  I felt like the Germans might be coming at any second.  

Of course my day doesn't end there, stepping out of the bookstore a homeless man approached me and asked if I had any spare change.  I apologized and told him that I unfortunately didn't (which if you're wondering is true because I was out with Momma Moneybags) and all he had to say in response was, "damn you got a deep voice".  You better believe my family didn't drop that one.  I wish that I had given him money, and then that I'd taken it back and told him it was for my corrective surgery, obviously I'm not taking a high enough dosage of estrogen.      

Well that was my crazy day, I've been sick lately do you think it would be an awful idea to mix two lime Airbornes into a medium sized sugar free Redbull in the morning, because my father is making me wake up at 5:30 so I can replace my military id before I loose my medical insurance...which expires conveniently tomorrow.  I never said that procrastination was only a maternal trait.  

Anne 

grocery girl

i call this poem

Things you will never not see in my fridge/freezer/countertop/pantry:

running title: time to go shopping


fridge:
whipped cream cheese
9 different kinds of mustard (actual real time count)
capers

sriracha
specialty cheeses
olives in a smattering of colors, shapes, sizes and brines
2 kinds of salsa (current count 5)
jewish rye (at least 3 open packages circulating at a time)
kosher saurkraut from brooklyn
red onion
at least 8 salad dressings, only 2 of which are in use
nova lox
2 fruit juices (you know youre at the end of the cycle when they are both down to ruby red grapefruit)

freezer:
boca burgers
waffles
wegmans farm raised salmon
chicken breasts
popsicles

counter:
BAGELS (potentially the most important item in the entire kitchen - many other items are spawned off of this)

me enjoying my bagels!

kosher salt and black peppercorns
tomatoes

pantry:
individual sized portions of white meat tuna

4 boxes of triscuits (cracked peppper, rosemary, sundried tomato - all with olive oil, 1 box family sized original. to be eaten in this order)
1 box family size wheat thins
2 opened bags of tortilla chips of various brands, always in roatation
at least 15 cup-o-noodles spicy chile chicken variety
extra salad dressings in the 2 we actually use
enough A1 to last a nuclear fallout period
either kc masterpiece bbq chips or utz kettle chips
taco seasoning
marshmallow fluff from our old house
several cans of cream of (fill in the blank)
assorted pasta sauces and noodles
dried nori
anchovies
oysters
minced clams for the once a year my mother makes linguine with clam sauce
deviled ham
vegan black beans
tahini
kashi go lean crunch
at least 2 boxes stale grape nuts in different sizes

the end

anne

turkalurk

i hope everyone had a lovely thanksgiving. i know that i did.

not surprisingly i have a little anecdotal story to share.

one of my best friends invited me over to his family's thanksgiving eve party to meet and mingle, i guess he thought id be good at that, probably something hes reconsidering but you cant win them all. well things were going along pretty swimmingly at first, i was enjoying a nice spot of punch (punch = death sangria), chatting it up with his friends and family and of course enjoying a little nosh. it just so happens a little bit of that nosh got caught in between my front left tooth and whatever the one next to it is called. i thought to myself, no biggie anne, turn around remove it with your thumb nail and problem solved. this might be an over the top analogy but since its dealing with me i think its appropriate, you know how there are things that you do all the time that if you made just one false step you could like die or something, like your heel catches the top of the step and you tumble down, that kind of thing. this was totally that. instead of quickly and quietly removing the piece of debris that may or may not have even been visible, i sliced open the top of my gum above my big tooth. id had just enough to drink to think "oh maybe that didnt really happen" but then when i smiled and parker goes "is your mouth bleeding"...well that and the fact that i could feel an actual flap of gum moving about in my mouth, i realized basically that im an idiot. its true these things really can happen to anyone! so i run to the bathroom with parker and am staring at this mess in my mouth while blood drips down in between my two teeth and parker is just laughing telling me to drink more because it will sterilize the area, even though im relatively certain that alcohol is just going to thin my blood and cause it to bleed more. luckily the mouth heals quickly, and by that i mean a big hideous black scab formed giving me in essence a black tooth for the rest of the evening making me look like a legitimate pirate, of which i am not. the scab stayed with me for a lucky two more days, until now where the flap of gum has finally given up on me and ive been left with significantly more of one front tooth showing than the other. lucky for you i figured out how to use iphotobooth. so here is my slightly less gummy than usual smile. enjoy.




gross right, well i have to deal with it. does anyone know how long it takes for gums to regenerate.


other than that my family made it through another holiday without one of my parents walking out so id say overall its been a success.

for now
anne

JAX

hosea from top chef came into my restaurant and sat in my row...

i had a panic attack

i tried to quality check his calamari but i couldnt look him in the face.

embarrassing

cellular

i just got an interesting text message from my father who was upstairs (he's currently speaking at me through my door explaining it to me right now but the text is the real magic)

From: -------@gmail.com
(cell phone charges) Anne owes $28 for going over on cell phone minutes during prime time
Ryan owns $20 for downloading games
Connor owes $0 since he is wi

it cuts off there, and well im pretty glad that it does. we all know connor is his favorite anyways, so im sure he probably just waxed poetic about how responsible he is or some shit. i assume it says something like "since he is without a doubt my favorite child and ill just cover the costs for him"

point being add another 28 smackaroos onto the 90 i currently owe pops. i suppose you could say it would be reasonable to cut back my cell minutes but its just really not. there has to be another solution. maybe if connor and my dad would stop using 150 minutes a month each (spoiled) i could have them so as to create some wiggle room. i dont know, im just musing here.

as a side, i am completely running out of clean underwear. i really need my mother to get home from north carolina and do my laundry. i just dont think i can handle the stress of figuring out how to use the washing machine, which i think is completely reasonable because she doesnt seem to think she needs to figure out how to read a text message or use microsoft word.

ok running late to work!
ive got to have time to stop and get those redbulls

edit: so today im driving to work and lets say im about halfway there and BAM it hits me...i forgot to put deodorant on. ok so if you know me this is like crazy talk, im pretty anal about brushing my teeth a million times a day, and i have like 30 sticks of deodorant in my room in different scents and brands and even some mens deodorant if im feeling like its going to be a really stressful day. so of course im in my dumb truck freaking out about the fact that im going to smell like rotting vodka out of my uniform at work, but im like ok anne itll be ok you left with enough time to stop at giant and just buy some, i mean why not add a 31st to the collection. cue to five minutes later when i realize that in my drunken stupor the night before i just for the life of me can not remember where my wallet is. which most importantly means that its not with me. what i do have is four wrinkled slightly damp dollar bills, 2 dollars in sticky quarters, and a small handful of nickels and dimes, which were also grossly sticky from all the times ive spilled bevs in my cup-holders. basically i know that what my day HAS to include is both deodorant AND a daddy sized redbull (which runs $3.69 w/o tax) and i need TWO of them because i cant not get winston one. so i get to giant and there are decisions to be made. the issue is that i just will not steal anything. i just will not. i cant. but i HAD to have my red bulls and since there was no possible way i could imagine stealing them that meant i kind of had to borrow some deodorant. so i walked into the toiletries aisle, sketchily sketchily, and when i say that i mean my palms were like dripping in sweat because im a good person and i was just about to vomit. ugh i wish my ocds didnt collide, maybe i could get over not having deodorant for a day, but i couldnt, so i stood there for like 5 minutes looking at all the different brands while these two women picked out the stick they were actually going to purchase and then when they left i picked up that unscented ban in the green package (i was actually pretty tempted to get the ashley tisdale special edition teen deodorant), took the cap off, removed the plastic piece, clicked it up... applied a thin layer... clicked it down, put the plastic back, the cap back, placed it back it its spot, and then swallowing the guilt puke in my mouth i ran to my car, drove straight to sunoco and bought two red bulls with sweaty bills and dimes. everyone at work said that im awful, but i bet they would think i was a whole lot more awful if i smelled like b.o. all shift instead of like dior and dove shampoo.

anne

reason for living

so my health has kind of been down in the dumps the last couple of days, but seeing as i ultimately think its more important that i take my mini-vacay this weekend than focusing on my schoolwork i decided to rest all day and drink lots of medium pulp orange juice, hot tea and i made my mother get me some delicious pho from my favorito vietnamese restaurant. now im feeling significantly better and williamsburg plans are in full swing for friday. as if that werent good news enough today was the day ive been waiting for for approximately an entire year. i can think of only 3 other people in the world that were as excited as i was. so heres to you ericka leore and seth.

top chef new york premiered tonight

i think even if i hadnt seen all the previews and the countdown on perezhilton my body would have just naturally gravitated to the television set at 10 pm EST tonight because it would have felt the magnetic pull of cables favorite cooking show. members of my family kept trying to ask me questions about annoying things like my health while i was watching, and were met with the volume bars going up on the tv. i dont have time to chit chat about my phlegm levels when tom colicchio of craft is on screen woman. this season is already intense, they sent this cute little muffin of a girl home before she even saw their loft, i mean her food was bo-ring but she did have fun confessional commentary. whatever, the thing i love most, well not most because thats impossible to quantify, but one of the things i love the most about top chef is that they really try to keep around the highest level of competition as opposed to characters who are entertaining, not that this is always the case (i.e. keeping lisa over antonia in the finale last season) but the panel seems to be pretty dead set on making sure whatever they are eating for the night is going to be the best possible.

side: how much do you envy padma gail ted and tom, like this is basically their lives: wake up, look cute, decide to live in san fran/miami/chicago/new york for a few months, eat delicious foods all day with your friends and talk about how it could be better, look cute, decide to take the people youve decided makes the food you like the best on a vacation to cook for you, invite some really interesting well accomplished world famous chefs to dine with you and your friends, choose a really fabulous venue, enjoy gourmet meals and ripping them apart, again looking cute, probably laughing a little bit, having all around the MOST FUN EVER. basically what im saying is, if youve ever wondered what it is that i want to do with my life its just exactly this. EXACTLY.

anyways i thought sending patrick home was the right thing to do in the end, the kid looked like an idiot and i dont imagine that changing too much throughout the season. although if it matters i did text in and vote for team rainbow over team european duo because those guys are douche bags. as far as the rest of the cast (i read everyones bios like forever ago so if you arent up to date on their lives you might want to do that) lets see i like leah cohen the asian jew from new york because how could i not i basically wish i were her, on my way to being a part of the panel of course, i like hosea of jax in boulder, i like gene from hawaii, i think carla from dc is kind of batshit crazy but i really like hearing someone say "giiiiirlll" in any context, and i might like jamie shes my wildcard right now. ugh its going to be such an intense next few months. i need to join some sort of support group since i dont have any of my faithful followers here with me any more.


hugs and kisses kittens
anne

edit: omg i like really want someone to call me right now, ok so for texting in my vote during the show i got a 99 cent credit to use in the download store at bravotv.com so as you might have been able to guess i selected to top chef theme song as my ringtone. i almost picked padmas voice but it was like a little too sexual it made me kind of uncomfortable to think about listening to as like an alarm clock or something thats what i have foxy brown for

election results

my brothers call my mother president omamma as of this morning


since i got home there has been an ongoing battle between my middle brother connor and i over my bathroom. see the thing is my room is in the basement and it has a full bathroom connected to it. connors room is on the top floor and he and my youngest brother share another full bath that isnt attached to either of their rooms. for the year i was gone connor got pretty used to showering down here, and when i came back i had a couple of issues with it but we talked them out and i decided not to be a raging bitch and just deal for the time being. well then i notice that my face wash (that i pay for myself mind you) is disappearing at a rate that i can only imagine he was whacking off with it, maybe he likes to exfoliate his dick i dont know. so we have our second talk about not using my bathroom. he concedes to not j.o. with my morning burst, things are good...for like a minute. i go to take a shower and not one of the three towels that are specifically mine are in my room. no instead all three are crumpled up wet in his room and smell like athletes foot. we have our next talk, he agrees to start using his own towels. - side: i wish my mother werent so laissez-faire with her child rearing sometimes - now mind you even after these talks he still is only using my towels and my face wash, but hes been getting slightly better about remembering to bring the towels back. cut to about a week ago im hanging out with a friend and he asks me why it is that i 1. use sensitive tooth paste what am i 80, 2. if i have a mustache because there is so much hair not only in the sink but in the tub and 3. its interesting that i just leave my preperation h just hanging on out there for everyone to see. i kind of loose my shit a little. you cant shave your head in my bathroom and just not clean it up, i dont have little black hairs all over my body and i sure as heck dont have 'roids...although i do kind of like that tooth paste its soothing. anyways i didnt bring it up to him because i like didnt want to embarrass him (even though in all honesty i think the prep h is for a soccer injury) but still so then today he barges in my room to take a pillow off my bed and im all like "are you taking my pillow" and he goes "no im taking my pillow i slept in here while you were in vegas" well that was basically about it. i hung up my phone and followed him upstairs in time to here him say to my mother "dip momma dip" and my mother is laughing hysterically whilst scrap-booking. my family is out of their minds. i got nothing solved and i can expect to have to listen to the red hot chili peppers everyday still while connor showers in my room and i have to tip toe around his highness.

anne

carried away

other issues with my mac:
how do i take pictures with it
where is this "iphotobooth" ive heard about in whispers


so anyways i totally should not have bought this cardigan today seeing as i think im going to howloscream at busch gardens in williamsburg this weekend and oh you know las vegas next weekend for halloween (im in a traveling mood these days). as if i didnt spend enough money in new york last weekend to make those trips almost impossible, i had one of my manic moments where i actually included "go to jcrew and buy cardigan" on more than one to do list in the last 3 days, to the point where on my break at work i went to jcrew and bought this cardigan (by the way thank you god for building a jcrew in reston town center). notes on the cardigan and its importance: this past weekend in nyc i only brought jackets and sweaters in a black scheme, so when i wanted to go out in my boat shoes, as i often do, i was at a loss. luckily bobby offered up a cutie cute cute mens blue cardigan. seeing as hes about as gay as a double rainbow its not like its so super masculine. anyways it wouldnt matter if it were because im such a lady and all. point being i wore it literally everywhere for three days, and it turns out that as he was packing for milan he made me give it back to him before i could hide it in my puma duffle. what a bad friend. obviously its become an obsession...since sunday (its tuesday now) and i needed this damn navy blue mens v-neck cashmere cardigan for 75 USD plus tax. (side - i did look for a womens but 1. they are over $100 more expensive because women are bitches and 2. it wasnt a v-neck - i dont have large boobs for nothing people. luckily i was able to reason with myself that even though im still about $700 short of where i need to be by next friday i dont have to return my cardigan for a couple of reasons, one because i can wear it at busch gardens and two because i look so darned cute (i would know i am wearing it right now with some grey jeans and the peanut necklace i made myself)

if you werent able to piece together where the two points i made this evening converge thats sad, but basically i cant even take a picture of how cute i am right now because i dont understand my computer. maybe im getting dumber as my cardigans get cuter... wouldnt that be a tragedy.



feel free to come stalk me at b.g. or in vegas
ill be the snazzy young lady cloaked in navy

-a

ughsies

I dont get this new itunes
why cant i just play all of my music on shuffle
i feel like my mother, who to this day doesnt understand that aol isnt the only way to access the internet...even though she uses internet explorer to get on aol.

looks like fasting is just going to have to wait another year since i didnt quite make it...at all...even a little bit
sorry god!
if it matters i still like israel
similarly the break fast was still fun and delicious


im sitting in my basement right now watching forrest gump and bawling
god im such a fag
but its just like really sad that jenny dies and forrest just loves her so much

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7PNrWfM4qg&feature=related
take a little peek at that

el tamarindo is the best mexican salvadorian food ive ever had...at 6 in the morning at least.





in another side:
i love fall. like i am absolutely having full on FITS almost everyday lately because fall is just so wonderful. it smells amazing outside. its almost electric, something about the air, and the scent of the leaves turning, and of wood burning, even the way the sky smells crisper right as the sun sets and everything cools just to the point you can see your breath. all of the colors are just so rich and pervasive, everything is deep and burnt, like the colors are expressing themselves to their fullest extent. their last ditch effort before the frost settles for winter. i just want to drink warm cider and eat lots of squash and small woodland animals, ride horses to work, and carve pumpkins. i want to wear cardigans and take long walks on cobbled stone paths. i want to find an appropriate way to fit words like cornicopia, succotash and gourd into casual conversation. fall makes me wish i were still in colorado. fall makes me remember why i like the outdoors. fall makes me want to call fall autumn because its so fitting. i want to gather all the leaves in the neighborhood and fold myself into them and stay there forever. fall makes me miss being younger, and makes me yearn for being an adult, when i can go out and buy expensive organic red wine and cook hearty meals for all of my successful friends while we sit on the porch and have deep conversations. fall makes me somewhat of an awful romantic, at least in terms of the flowery language i use to associate it and the inexplicable passion i feel for the season.


anyways i hear my cat meowing at the door i should probably let him in since im in charge of the animals this weekend

anne

blah

ugh remember when i had a blog
when i wasnt awful
when i used to update
when i had more to say than filling space with this pablum

i havent even mentioned that i work at a new restaurant
same company of course but i was getting a little bored so new venue
im pretty certain im awful at my job
luckily im fun to talk to
not much else is new
work school work school work
im one of those people i didnt think i was capable of becoming
then again its not like i function at 100% capacity ever so basically what im saying is i dont sleep in as often
and i dont go downtown 7 times a week just like 4

whats new with you guys?

20 Questions

a newer, better, even BIGGER version of twenty questions with Ericka Ekstrom (and this time there are actually 20 of them)

*Note to reader: Ericka references herself pretty often as "me" in the questions - those questions I have answered as if I were talking both directly to her and so as to be amusing to the home audience

1.) What brand of lipstick do you think sarah palin prefers?
and i quote:
“From: C______@gmail.com>
To: tips@wonkette.com
Date: Wed, Sep 10, 2008 at 2:59 PM
Subject: tip on Sarah Pallin
Notes: Sarah’s sister in-law owns a beauty parlor in Wasilla…apparently Sarah’s lip liner is tattooed on…not sure what to do with that one.
leak to wonkette”
in conclusion although originally speculated that she wore Wet N’ Wild as to match her fiery personality, it is now categorically been proven that this bulldog has it tattooed on by this foolproof email I found in someone’s blog when i Googled the words lipstick and Sarah Palin together.
sidenote: this misspelling of her last name was obviously intentional by our concerned leaker.
2.) Describe your perfect high end sandwich.
This question almost isn’t fair because I really feel like different things different days. Like particularly right now I could go for a rueben. But I’m generally not a rueben kind of gal. Im usually a swiss and turkey girl. Ok I know what I’ll say. Sauces. It has to have sauces. Mustards especially. Lately I’ve been really into Zatarans Cajun Mustard. It has a really nice underlying heat, that lays low on the tongue and peppers the end of every bite with its distinct Bayou spices. That and anything I can put Sriracha on I’m pretty gay for. Oh and of course, Artisan breads, as well any meats should cost somewhere in the range of 20 USD a pound I’d say. Golden tomatoes are pretty raging right now. Red onion. Anything with fish I’d like to have a remoulade.
3.) Jello pudding cups: trashy or classy?
With the vanilla strip classy, without trashy
4.) Detail Amy Winehouse’s impact on international relations.
Hundreds of thousands of European women have been stolen and sold into sex trafficking since Amy Winehouse hit the scene and criminals everywhere realized how easy it is to get a white girl addicted to drugs.
5.) Favorite work by Gustave Flaubert?
Madeline the beloved childrens book
6.) Facebook or Myspace?
Friendster
7.) If/when i become a successful musician, I will hire you to be my merch girl and tell people my shirts are handcrafted by third world workers who are paid a very competitive wage and live prosperous lives because of my generosity and enlightenment. Which third world country are they from?
Myanmar, because that makes you sound even BETTER
8.) What is your Princess Jasmine^ named?
Bethany
9.) Do you prefere America’s Next Top Model pre-PG county tranny or post-PG county tranny?
pre, it’s not that I have anything against trannies as much as it is that Elyse was the only worthwhile cast member of any of the 13 cycles.
10.) Favorite brunch foods?
HOLLANDAISE. Anything with it. Although if I had to choose, blackened salmon with creamed spinach or greens, topped with a poached egg and drowned in hollandaise. With a side of cheese grits, some andouille sausage and perhaps a big fluffy biscuit with fresh jam and apple butter accompaniments.
11.) Favorite hair styling products?
spray shine
12.) Who would make a better boyfriend for me? Robert Downey Jr. or John Mayer?
definitely John Mayer, he’s way cooler and he dumped Jennifer Aniston, something I think we all wish we could do.
13.) Should I wear my red patent leather ballet flats to work tomorrow, or my yellow chucks?
I would wear your chucks, but they would be monochrome black. Take that for what it’s worth...which blatantly isn’t much, nor is it a real response.
14.) How many of these questions are actually about me?
pretty much all of them, but I was expecting it so I’m not let down. It’s like a visit to Waffle House you know, not exactly what you wanted, but still kind of fun and troublingly delicious.
15.) When Shervin and I get a puppy together, which vicious dictator from history should we name it after (Chairman Mao is taken by my fish)
Musharraf
16.) The new Jenny Lewis record leaked. Do you want me to send it to you? absolutely
17.) In what year was the battle of Louvain fought?
Of course you’re speaking of the time that Gene Hackman and Danny Glover got into in the kitchen in the Royal Tenenbaums, which I am pretty sure was released in 2001.
18.) Favorite abstract expressionist?
Ericka Ekstrom
19.) What’s your favorite thing to order at Jaleo?
shark nuggets
20.) Thoughts and feelings on the feds taking over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac?
I mean since the government has its spending under control I think it’s a great idea. We value our freedom and sovereignty over all else here in America, that's why we allow the government to do absolutely anything they want! (With that being said, the hard truth is that our economy literally could not function if these two institutions were allowed to go bankrupt)

^vagina

anne

patriot nation

my mom is not only allowed, but expected, to wear jeans and athletic shoes to work. they say its so she can run to...or from the children. i can't imagine she's liking her new job too horribly much, but at least when she's at rest shes comfortable and casual.



in my life:
i hate school.

i do this thing where im very aware of time in my head. once, during the period of time in which i was infamously a debt collector for the worlds largest credit union, they made all of us in training play this game, where you closed your eyes and raised your hand when you thought that sixty seconds had passed. almost everyone had raised their hand by 35 seconds, a couple of turds waited obnoxiously long until like 3 minutes, and i raised my hand at 64 seconds. the point of the exercise is to show you how impatient most people are, and what their perception of "give me a minute" really is. point being, my perception of a minute is a minute. i know how long it takes me to get places, i can relatively accurately guess traffic patterns and parking issues, the walk to class, getting lost on the way, stopping to stare at people, etc etc. so when i missed my first class in two years monday morning (not first class ive missed in two years mind you, literally the FIRST class ive had in two years) it was blatant and deliberate. i knew exactly what i was doing when i sliced into that wegmans onion bagel and put it in the toaster. i knew what i was doing as i slathered on the chive cream cheese, golden tomatoes, capers and red onion. when i sat down to eat it and check my facebook. when i took a shower, knowing full well i wasnt going to talk to anyone all day. so the real question left to be asked is mostly whats wrong with me? like who honest to god thinks that is a good way to make a first impression just on oneself when going back to school. i did however use the time in which i had missed my first class to finally purchase some books, pens, pencils, paper you know like "necessities" at the GMU official bookstore. it was an awful experience and i somehow managed to run into like the 4 people i had hoped to avoid for my entire time here. there were signs everywhere that said things like patriot nation and begged me to join different student groups all clad in green and gold. but there was no saving grace outside either as the day had been completely devoted to new students. college is overwhelming when there are people there.

oh, and heres the kicker on that class, even though i maned up and emailed my prof about being absent and asked for the assignment, as well as some rando from the class listserve (btw f you "babebe2") neither of them wrote me back and it turns out they either watched or read some absurd japanese philosophical movie/novella on perception of which i can not for the life of me find online in a workable document, and they wrote a short essay on it. i mean is this a joke, or is this a joke. it was the first day of school in a 100 level history class. who assigns actual work. anyways so im pissed, going to get graded down on being absent and missing an assignment, but i suppose now that im taking hindu philosophy i should just recognize blatant karma when is sucker punches me in the gullet.

on top of that for the classes i did go to:
1. physical geography: not to be confused with world geography (stupid me), its a science class. about how the world turns and shit. an inconvenient truth is one of our sources for the class. it was recommended that i look it up in ten parts on youtube by my professor, whom i can not for the life of me understand due to his accent and his inability to modulate the level of his voice to an audible decibel. the girl that sits behind me wears long roxy board shorts and huffs things like "ugh im soooo bored" and "hell nah" all class. suffice to say i dont like her. there is also the mystery girl who is randomly in this class and my next one...
2. hinduism religion and philosophy: so who else but me is taking a freshman level natural science and a junior level eastern religion philosophy course with like 9 other people and a short vietnamese professor who says "you see what i mean" after literally every single statement he makes. ive heard "you see what i mean" overused before, but its normally by people of lesser intelligence and they are actually referring to a situation in which you probably do see what they mean. but no prof nguyen says things in which you really have no idea what he means because they are fucking philosophical man. its unfair, and i can not listen to him either because i just count how many times he says that. it must be bringing him some sort of enlightenment so i figure i should see if i can see the light when he says it.
3. lastly of the classes ive taken so far (one final fifth one tomorrow evening) interpersonal communication: besides that fact that i was convinced my teacher was the woman amanda told me about who does nothing but speak about her partner and their child all the time, until she mentioned her husband, there is this girl. she is unfortunate. like in every sense of the word, but without me having to feel badly for her. do you see what i mean. she was wearing this grossly oversized white tee shirt with what appeared to be a faux needlepoint saying on it. i couldnt focus on her long enough to read it, but my two best guesses are either a. a quote from the bible or b. an ironic quote from the bible. in either case she probably is interested in faeries (spelled that way) anime and boys that wear black shirts with double entendres written in aggressive white lettering. now before you go thinking im so so horrible, let me just point out its not that i like noticed her and was just obsessively being awful about her in my mind, she went out of her way to interrupt the class several times on tangents that were really not even tangentially related to the topic. i mean dont get me wrong the topic of "interpersonal communication" barely deserves to be a topic (of course by barely i do mean "does not") but that doesnt mean that i want to listen to someone blather about things loudly having to do with how unfair it is we have to buy new books since they have worksheets in them. i at one point looked at the young lady to my left and informed her that i would be switching seats so i could sit closer to my new obsession tomorrow, because thats where the action is at. i mean its a class on networking, ive got plenty of free time to do other things. the other important happening in class was that we were assigned a short speech for tomorrow in which we present a quote. lucky me i had my handy dandy free mason planner in front of me, you know the high school style ones with an inspirational quote from some sort of prolific mind from history on each page. well guess who they chose as the first one of the new school year...no not thomas jefferson, albert einstein is close...ok give up...




jessica ALBA
JESSICA alba



you are reading that correctly (even with that creative capitalization i did there) the students of george mason who are trying to inspire me into feeling good about going to this university selected jessica alba to lead their quotes for the year.

the quote is something to the effect of:

"if youre like confident you can like do like anything you want even if you like dont like know how"

at least thats how im going to present it, because i imagine thats how she said it before her publicist cleaned it up a bit (cleaned it up = taking out the likes).


anyways like i said
i hate school
i kind of also hate my job
my to-do lists i feel arent getting as accomplished as i want them to because now i have to add things to them everyday as opposed to once every 3 months
but i did get fresh new kicks today that make me smile


peace and hair grease

Anne

so its 228 the morning after my 21st birthday and im completely sober, not only that but i start school again tomorrow. damn its been a minute. in order to put off thinking about school i did just that, put it off. i dont have my books, i dont have any paper or pens (my work ones permitting), no back pack, hell i dont even know my schedule or where my classes are. and that says nothing as to whether im allowed to park on campus or not. suffice to say i am horribly underprepared, and really all that this whole going back to school thing has done for me is gotten my feet ready to fly. i love it here i mean i really do consider virginia my actual home, and i like it to be the place i come back to, but i just kind of feel like its time for a new adventure somewhere flirty. im aware of the fact that thats kind of impossible right now and my parents might end my life if i were to mention it, but im getting the sense these are going to be a few months to get through and not necessarily enjoy. ive held this job for almost two months thats like some sort of accomplishment right? anyways point being since ive got jittery feet expect the unexpected friends. i should hear back on whether or not im leading an israel trip this winter within the week so that should help calm me down, but if you live somewhere fun and you want a weekend guest get at me, i really feel like i need to start doing the things i profess to like and not just drinking and being really fun you know. so i want to travel travel travel.

groovy

hi everyone
ive been extremely remiss in my blogging lately
i totally outlined two whole blogs, one on my trip to southern mass (no not boston), and the other on how my family is polite (it was relevant and interesting i promise).
im pretty sure those arent ever going to see the light of day (well i could resurrect the second one at some point, but i probably wont), so i figured id just start on a whole new topic.

so this past saturday night i stay in right, which has so not been me lately, really im the opposite of that. and i cant tell if its because the novelty of being home has worn off and im actually settling back in, or that taking just one day off of partying made me reevaluate my whole life but goooooodness was i manic. i made perhaps the longest to do list ive made in quite some time, and if you know me well you know i love my damned to-do lists. this one is entitled "things to do before school starts: fall semester 2008" (i always like them to have really official titles because it makes whatevers on them, like say "buy pens!", sound really important) well of course i went a little overboard and it contains things like "look into summer internships" with a list of several options i think would make sense...10 months out. there are also several subcategories and ive noted on what day at what time i should be trying to accomplish these tasks. like take today for example. 1. i asked barb to pick up my school books 2. i found someone to cover my thursday morning shift so i can a. go out wednesday night like a proper lady and b. get my military id thursday mid-afternoon so i dont lose my medical insurance (that would be bad) 3. 411ed navy federal to setup a bank account so i have a local branch i can visit with my cash money 4. 411ed the dcjcc so i could sign up for jewish cooking classes (hopefully with older well connected jews - this is directly linked to my summer internship search) in the fall, of course she was out of town so i had to leave a very detailed message and i made sure to include that i used to live in israel because its impressive 5. tried to find someone to cover my sunday which they are refusing to do, but its my 21st birthday so they have to.

that fifth and final task today brings me to my next point. i am very literally teetering on the edge of a precipice i legitimately at one time thought might never come. 21. and you know what, im extremely underwhelmed. for the last approximately 20years and 350ish days ive been talking about and planning the most spectacular party week ever. and then all of the sudden i almost could not care less. school starts monday and i have this enormous list to tackle now, plus we are all pretty aware that not being 21 hasnt really impeded my life at all. all i can really think thats changing is that jacks is going to have to serve me again, and they only havent been for like maybe a month and a half. thats not so much build up you know. anyways getting older sucks. im going to pretend to be 17 until im 40 and then i might be 16, who knows!

point being: my immediate family (discluding michael) is incredibly polite, im almost 21, i like to-do lists, time flies, dare to dream


i love you all

goodnight
anne banann

oh no

so i just read my previous blog, which for the last couple of days i was actually proud of. im not sure if its because im high, so everything is going so slowly, or because it just actually is that terrible...but jesus christ. i hate it right now. i also always forget how much i hate pot.

546 am
work in the morning
winston already asleep (at least an hour)
need more water
cant find toothbrush


Anne

oh my freak

so the aim of todays blog entry is to find a way to be completely appropriate, so that ashleys mother can read it and then think that im a really good person. good luck to me.

this morning i was really sluggish getting up, it took about 4 solid minutes of "love dont let me go" blaring in my ear from my cellular telephone until i realized that it was my alarm and not some a-hole calling me in the early morning hours. it took another minute or so to decide it was in fact more annoying to listen to not very good techno, than to have to open my eyes, roll over and turn the damned thing off (im doing a horrible job making this appropriate if cursing is a problem). i finally managed to get out of bed and have a blissful few morning facebook moments to check on my popularity which is ever growing before i hoped in the shower. i keep leaving my stupid ipod in the truck so i was forced to listen to connors music in the shower, luckily he has 9 third eye blind songs, so i had fodder for cleansing time. i already knew no one was home and boy did i sing my heart out. one day im going to be a rock musician, just like ericka ekstrom and bret michaels. anyways heres where i feel like my story really kicks it up, BAM, a few notches. im out of the shower, right, and im getting dressed as per usual for work in my jlo glo jeans (to make an appearance later), black socks, shoes, belt and white fruit of the loom mens small v-neck, when what do i see but non other than fucking aragog from harry potter (if you arent so well read as i, thats the giant spider from the second book) only BIGGER. like aragogs cousin magragog or something. i was so tired, but i had to deal with it. ugh dont you hate that. its like really magragog why today of all days you know, yesterday i was more alert, probably after work even ill be good, but right now like i have to get dressed and make some coffee but no, instead i had to have a BATTLE ROYALE. which consisted of me collecting all of my shoes, standing on my wrought iron twin bed and hurling them at the pile of clothing mags was hiding in on my floor right next to my mothers antique collection of coca cola bottles she likes to pretend are mine, all the while squealing. he got all up in my other work jeans, which made me really angry because like i didnt want to wear the jlo ones today, they arent everyday jeans, they are for special occasions, but now that there was spider germs all up in my granes i couldnt bring myself to wear them. if im being honest, i thought it might be possible that magragog had some how managed to lay eggs in my jeans, and the thought of hundreds of thousands of probably millions of little tiny brown hairy spiders bursting to life and crawling up my leg while i was say driving while texting on my way to work or even secretly checking my texts in the side stand while at work made me want to vomit and pass out for like at least a half an hour. point being i couldnt wear them, other point being this battle was fierce, i even had to recollect some shoes, i must have thrown close to 40 until i finally got him to succumb to my shear force and will. never underestimate a half asleep girl with a pair of fresh air force ones my friend, it could mean danger for you!


as you can well see the beast slumbers...forever

in other news i did still find time to make my coffee and a fried egg sandwich on buttered toast with, heavily seasoned in black pepper and salt with melted provolone. it was pretty tasty if i do say so myself, and i did a damn fine job of not breaking the yolk when i flipped the egg, which is lucky because realistically i would have had a fit with myself thrown it out, started over and been late to work. but it didnt so that was nice, i munched down, drank my coffee, drove to work, went to tie my walmart servers sneaks in the parking lot and what do i see but...


shit EGG YOLK all over my GLOs! ugh this is all magragogs fault

well whatever i got over all of that, made virtually no money at work today, which was whatever since i find it difficult to care about most things since i had fun anyways and ashley did come to visit. had a nice lunch with winston at the olive garden because someone (hint: not me) only likes dining at chains and since basically my entire life revolves around food and eating and being snobby it was my first choice. i will say in their defense, fine the bread sticks are good, congratulations. i ate enough to want to die, so i bought a sugar free redbull for work. winston says i have to work up to the more intense energy drinks so that i dont have a heart attack on the floor. i thought that was relatively sound advice. after work i ate winstons left over cheese raviolis that had been sitting in my car for several hours festering. whos the food snob now. then i came home and had the pleasure of not only watching the secret diaries and weeds but TED ALLENS new foodnetwork show. TED ALLEN. the ted allen. as in ted allen ted allen. god he is so GREAT. and i caught previews for a new show ask aida with aida mollenkamp. shes a lucky bitch. what she just likes food and writing about it and talking to people. who doesnt. why not give me a show. ok yeah so she did go to culinary school...at le cordon bleu in paris, but f it. what does she really have that i dont. nothing, thats what.

anyways i cant really think of what else to say, other than its really late and my eyes are going all shifty on me. ashley maybe you can edit out the parts your mom
wouldnt like and then you can show her. i tried you know.


until later
Anne

i got my crabs at captain pells

home from work and loungin in the den with my moms watching some what not to wear, that somehow sparked her mentioning to me she wishes she could throw me and that she was the most "physical" with me growing up. and i quote "do you remember the time i dragged you up the stairs?"

uncomfortable...quick segue...


so i remember mentioning that id include some fun work anecdotes in a previous entry, heres my first one:

woman (who may or may not have had aspergers so this is potentially not funny/even funnier?(anne youre awful)): do you have any low alcohol beers?
me: why indeed we do
woman: can i please have one?
me: absolutely, can i see your id maam?
woman: oh well ha, heavens me im going to be 32 next week
me: well you just wouldnt know it, you dont look a day over 26
woman: oh well thank you darling, you look pretty young yourself...you could pass for 28.
me: oh...thanks... *forced smile as her asian dining guests apologized to me*

and that was the time in which a valued guest, who drinks low alcohol beers mind you, told me that i could possibly pass for looking as young as 28. i look really good in my uniform.

today was my first unsupervised shift on the floor. it was surprisingly really fun. now i know that im the kind of person that really only likes to do things for somewhere right around four months, but i think at the very least its going to be a really fun four months. i think i didnt do terribly and the people were relatively enjoyable...also no one told me that i was a decade older than i am so that was nice. although one man, who we will just say comes from a country where tipping obviously doesnt occur, left me 21 cents. that says cents. cents dont buy much of anything. actually cents dont buy anything i feel like. thats not even enough for a gumball. not that id want a gumball, but for fucksake lets say i did, well i couldnt have one. i would legitimately have to beg 4 cents off of someone else, someone who made more than 21 cents at their table i suppose.




well whatever, with the rest of the money that i actually did make im going out for a FANCY CRAB FEAST with paul-e wall-e (thats a cultural reference nickname right there friends) at captain pells fairfax crabhouse (not to be confused with captain pells bareback crabhouse where danielle is going this evening). im very excited, and i deserve it. god i think highly of myself. i hope my crabs arent from maryland, even though theyre meant to be delicious and superiour to our virginia crabs maryland is dirty, and im not and i hate maryland.

double tomorrow.
we'll talk soon



anne

)*9(

I just walked in the door from my college orientataion, and i only almost burst into tears three times. it was awful and boring and my academic advisor didnt seem to think it was important to show up so i had to talk to some random man in another area of disinterest. im taking classes im sure ill hate, but they sound easy so thats nice.

other news 2 follows down, 2 left, until im officially a waitress. isnt that fun. youll have to come and see me. i might be able to get you some free fountain drinks!!! i think i might not actually be horrible at this job. i might even be good at it, i dont want to put too much pressure on myself of course, because being medicore is ok too, but maybe just maybe i wont be.

brandon is awful he doesnt want to come and vsit

i hate sharing cars with the fam, im stuck at home with the caddy and its out of oil


lately ive been feeling like writing something like oh i dont know slightly deeper perhaps, but its like for some reason i feel its inappropriate. maybe ill just shelve that thought for a while, or put it in the handy dandy real journal ive got.

this post is terrible but i dont care

$5 foot long

so work work work lets see
well tuesday i had to eat everything on the menu
it turns out every single thing we serve tastes exactly the same
it turns out that after 6 servings my stomach starts to revolt
i legitimately got to a place where if i opened my mouth to speak vomit would have just spilled out
i have my first food runner follow this evening
who hired me i have no idea what im doing
i tried to remember all of the core values of the company after several vicodins
it was really hard, there are 5 of them
(if youre wondering i got a 100% because im baller)



in more exciting news last evening apex nightclub, formerly known as badlands, rescinded their long standing 2 year ban on ME and i was admitted into the festivities. by that i mostly mean that since town has opened apex has steadily been losing business and they really could not care less. i could barely stand by the time i got in. classy. i totally dont miss that place. im totally probably going to go every week anyways. please dont remind me of anything i did or said.



connor is on his way to get me subway right now. i was too lazy to go so i gave him my credit card and my id, im sure thats like legal right. if i dont get my cold cut combo on italian herbs and cheese (with white american, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickle, lite mayo, mustard, salt, pepper, oil & vinegar) i will throw a FIT. a real proper princess FIT, and that most likely wont be cute, i mean im not even wearing a bra.



i like crab legs at hooters, they make me feel rich. just like driving the cadillac. i also like la ink, that show is fun. actually i like a lot of the quality programming on tlc. and bravo. and the food network. those are just fun little tid bits about the real me, you know so we can feel more connected.


well anyways im going to sulk around the house drinking my diet green tea until connor gets back. stay tuned






UPDATE:
my sandwich arrived!
im enjoying it now and watching old episodes of project runway
how fun


anne

the secret diaries....

so i mean ok its been a little over a month since i last posted, whoops. but i really didnt know how i was going to build a bridge between my time in israel and my life here in the states. they really very much have nothing to do with one another. but then it came to me. duh anne it doesnt matter!

so instead ive just come up with a new concept for my blog. im officially calling it "the secret diaries of an upper casual dining restaurant server". two things about the title. 1 i have quite obviously been watching the secret diaries of a call girl on showtime. 2 im pretty sure i can get fired for talking about work online, i know this mostly because it says so right there in my orientation handbook, which is why i have cleverly gotten around naming said upper casual dining restaurant that i got hired at this very afternoon. (you could just look it up on my facebook work info)

anyways from here on out expect fun little anecdotes about my trials and tribulations as a first time waitress, and of course absurdities that follow me around the nations capitol.

blogging is fun
and ive missed it
my brother hid his laptop from me, isnt that rude
i had to take out all of my nose rings for my interview, two of them closed up for the 45 minutes i was inside
work made me go out and buy the UGLIEST shoes, i kind of like them
they are all black leather boys nikes
i bet you probably like them better than the sperry top sider boat shoes i wore to the interview with my gap favorite khaki chinos and my leesburg outlet navy blue polo polo. being classy is something youre born with, sorry kids.

ok time to go to hooters with some dames, trannies, hookers and paul!


annnnnne

this is my kitchen

My Turkish travels: as explained in captioned photographs
a photo essay by Anne Alexander












For my waste, well don't mind if I do
Turkish Air fun in a bag

The ladies and I booked our trip through a discount Israeli travel agency called daka90, included in the price was the flight, hotel and transport from the airport to the hotel/vica versa. Of course we never found the free transport, and neither did a gigantor Ukrainian couple, of whom shared 4 teeth between them. As they have made Israel their permanent home their propensity to save a quick buck wherever possible led us into this interesting situation. For a mere 40 American Dollars the five of us could just split a cab. Brilliant! Cue Mustafa, taxi driver, student, amateur tour guide, con artist, potential rapist extraordinaire. If these gigantors had never happened to us I very well might be several hundred dollars wealthier, but that's another story. Musti made an appearance as a leading character in our travels as our exclusive guide to Istanbul on day 2. (pictures potentially to come).

Pure class at the Klas: a four star hotel in the heart of the Ukrainian textiles district - only the hippest, most happening place in all of Istanbul's Historic Old City. Not to mention this ingenious high-tech system they've got for not only turning on your lights, but also never losing your key. Of which you can see Leore is enjoying quite a bit.

Just a friend of ours at a local dining hot spot. I almost chose this picture as my title photo, alas the flag seemed to make a bit more sense, and although it appears I have nothing really to say about this picture it certainly wasn't going from headline to cutting room floor, so here it is. And I figured since I had nothing else I'd add in a fun little side here: I'm not sure if by spice the men of Turkey mean spicy, as in hot; or when they refer to the three of us young, white, obviously American Jewish girls as Spice Girls they actually do mean the 1990's girl power quintet from the UK. Hopefully the latter.

Though not so clear from the photographic evidence provided, there were three of these boats all lined up and tied to the dock right near one of the bridges that connects the Old and New parts of European Istanbul. One of the boats was gilded in faux gold temples, this one was a bit more "traditional". On board each one of the three boats were these giant grills and several men, all of whom were wearing these absurd little costumes I can only assume which were meant to entice tourists into coming over (although we noticed it seemed to be all locals). The grills cooked nothing with the exception of what I'm relatively sure was Barbun, a native red mullet. The fish comes bones intact (you just chomp on through 'um) in a hoagie style bun with either seasoned raw onions or lettuce, and on the low, small, square tables you'll find naught but salt and lemon juice. Generous portions of each and you've got yourself quite a tasty little treat. Our cabbie "friend" paid for us, so I'm not 100% sure how much each cost but I'd assume somewhere in the realm of a dollar or two. The boats are quite possibly one of the most impractical things I've ever seen. It's not as if there wasn't enough room on the boardwalk for a restaurant on land, and while the gimmick is interesting, and quite obviously drew us in, the boats were slamming into the dock with the tide that was none too friendly. The men on board must vomit several times a day, surprisingly that thought doesn't bother me.

Found in the spice bazaar, caption necessary?

Street vendors! Bagels, chestnuts, corn Oh my!

For those of you who've been to Israel this should be a relatively easy question, what is the most famous brand of Israeli chocolate?






Did you guess Elite, well you were right.
Can you now guess what this brand of Turkish chocolate from the New City was called






Did you guess Elite again, well you're wrong. It was elit, pronounced...(ellipsis wait for it)...elite.

Hello Lover!
Grande Iced Caramel Macchiatto, upside down, 2 pumps, soy milk. Is that really so hard to understand. Why can't all Starbucks employees speak English.
(jokes people, jokes)

Only Lauren and I were brave enough to try local beverage du jour aryan. It's a frothy, salty, yoghurt (I threw the h in because we were in Europe, and it's polite to respect other peoples' culture and incorrect spellings) drink, and it tastes about the equivalent of fermented bull sperm. I tried to choke it down. I even came up with little ways to not taste it so much, like shoving lamb kabap (there's that regional spelling again) into my mouth and then quickly drowning it in the aryan. It didn't work so well, but I was able to get through a lot more of my heaping mug full than Lauren, so that's an accomplishment I suppose.



Banking around a corner in a very, in my uninformed opinion, Vienesse area was a toothless Turkish man standing behind a small red cart that had on top of it three various sized albino rabbits, as you can see. In broken tourist friendly English the man informs us that the bunnies will tell us our fortunes. He slid out those small boards with different colored folded papers on it and put it underneath one of the bunnies. The rabbit bit and picked up our fortunes. I had hoped to save mine to share here with you but unfortunately it was lost in our Klassy hotel. If I remember correctly it had something to do with moving forward in life. Very deep.

I'm almost positive - i.e. I wrote it down, the quote that went with this pose was:
"I just want to copy what Jesus was doing...get a picture"
Thank God Jesus loves the shocker

So I'm not trying to fool myself into thinking that Istanbul is like some undiscovered land or that my friends and I are the first people to tour around. There are thousands of people all over the place, everywhere, everyday...but I bet you didn't see the animal bazaar. The most ridiculous of all bazaars. Clad with poultry of all kinds, both loose and caged, dogs, cats, huge bins of leeches, toys, food, anything and everything you would or could ever need for an animal. Also slightly terrifying, but this adorable puppy was there. I'll try to uncover a picture of a leech barrel for your viewing pleasure.

A final note to self:

A little something I learned this past weekend whilst on a light-rail ride through the Old City on our way to dinner. Though I'd commented to Lauren and Leore that very morning that in general the men of Turkey smelled significantly better than those in Israel, I was decisively and categorically proven wrong. Jesus Christ (it was bad enough to illicit the lord of a different faith). As my mouth filled with vomit from the stench of this man's b.o. laden purple shirted arms. I hastily thrust my hands into my back pocket and grabbed my Burt's Bees Pomegranate Oil Infused Lip Balm. With shaky hands, growing faint from the scent I managed to rip the lid off and quickly shove it up my nose. My saving grace! After regaining consciousness and the room stopped spinning all was well in the world and we quickly disembarked of that smelly smelly train. The moral of the story, never EVER leave home without your chapstick. It could just save your life.



I hope you enjoyed my trip even a fraction as much as I did.


Anne

love letter

dear blogger

dont be offended but i really should have used livejournal.

i know you make yourself easy to use, and youre connected to my gmail. its not like i dont see the positives, but theres just something about livejournal. dont hear me wrong, im not leaving you right now, its just...well, i never should have committed myself to you in the first place. now we have too much history. we were never right for eachother, and i mean i love you, i really do...im just not in love with you. i really do hope we work through this difficult time, and i know youve been really jealous of all the time ive been spending on livejournal lately. but for the entries im willing to give this a shot, to make it work, if youre still in. i just really thought you should know how i feel. i think it would make things a lot easier for me if you could just make your comment section better, more interactive, you know like livejournal does. im not saying you have to be someone you arent, but this is going to take compromise ya know, and i dont want to end up leaving later on when there's even more at stake, but with my israel adventures coming to a close i might just have to start afresh if you arent willing to work with me.


Anne

suck it

so today we are doing something new. new is fun. new is the new black.

sometimes i hate my job
i spend approximately 89% of the time im actually working doing talkbacks. i.e. reading every single comment posted to any and all articles that we have up on the website, checking them for content. let me give you a couple of fun examples from today.

back story: an Israeli soldier catches a 16 year old Palestinian boy at a checkpoint strapped with pipebombs. Upon being discovered he tried to detonate his explosives, but the soldier had alerted her comrades and they shot the boy to death before he was able to take out himself and those surrounding.

one poster who titled himself PSSD OFF aRAB! said:

Animals. Killing a defenseless 16 year old boy just because he had explosives was no reason to kill him. So he lowered his hands. Maybe he had an itch because he was threatened by
the zionists

so theres that, theres also

Roxana from IRAN:

Tony L! I am not a Jew Hater! you`re not tolerant!
To be an ignorant you need to be an American first! A nation who don`t know there is something named "Rest of the World". They become awre about the existance of a country when they attack a country for no real reason!
If in Soviet Union Jews didn`t feel at home, it`s not because there were Jews, but as they are never loyal to their home country. We have good examples in IRAN, they live and work in IRAN without having a tie to their homeland! Read the post of Jane to me and my answers to her! You beleive in some stereotypes!Such as muslims, polygamist & ... as far as you vulgar Americans listen to Fox news and don`t see the world can`t judge others!

normally at work i feel pretty good about being both jewish and an american because people are like so totally receptive right!

lastly, ATILLA, oh atilla the current bane of my existence. Atilla posts about 50-150 times a day, all with various things usually about sodomy or raping jewish mothers and the like. but today, oh today, he was really very interested in the female staff here at haaretz and he wrote us a song.

ATİLLA KARAGÖZOĞLU A HOLI SONG :)
ohh my penis
my holi penis :)
how are you ! you sweet guy :)

ohhh my pnis
best holy created
how are you ! you sweet guy :)

OHHHH MY HOLI PENIS :)
OHHHH OHHH OHHH
ALL CATS DREAMS TO BE HOLI FROM YOUUUU :)

ohhh my holi dick chenny :)
ohh ohhh ohhh :)



lovely isnt it.
so earlier i had said todays post we were trying something new out, well here it is. ive written a short manifesto if you will, a letter to the talkbackers. its really in my opinion a very lovely editorial, unfortunately it looks like it will never see the light of day here at haaretz, so instead ive opted to publish it myself. i can do that ya know, im my own editor and i say its just right, anyways point being here you go:

Dear all of you:

A couple of short points
1. You are all always wrong. You provide biased facts from sources that aren’t worth my, or anyone else’s time.
2. You spell everything incorrectly. We have a Hebrew edition, if you can’t get the word right in English maybe try there, or I don’t know looking it up.
3. Apartheid has an actual meaning, please learn it.
4. Do you have a job? Is it to comment on talkbacks? I bet it’s not, so I suggest you try doing that for a change.
5. I hate to burst your bubble but your rants to the right or left aren’t doing anything, completely and 100% I can say that your thoughts are baseless and empty. Nothing will ever come of them. You spend a significant amount of your time talking to 20 other people, whose opinions you’ll never change and whom you insist on calling fools/morons/idiots and retards just to prove your own intellect. If you actually care so much why don’t you:
a. move to Israel and see how things work
b. move to Gaza or the Palestinian Authority in the West Bank and see how that works
c. instead of constantly complaining about the government and how things never change, stepping up and trying to change the system from the inside out.
6. Every single one of you needs a history lesson, and to quick picking and choosing what of history fits your political slant. History is supposed to be factual, if you learn it in its totality there isn’t much to argue about.
7. Atilla for the love of G-d please stop posting.
8. While everyone has an opinion on the United States as well, I would rather not hear them. That is unless you care about learning more than just how the foreign policy affects your specific country. Because quite honestly I have the right to vote and you don’t, come at me with something constructive and I would willing devote my attention.
9. You would be amazed at how painful it is to post 96% of all talkbacks. Out of spite I’d like to see all of you banned.
10. Have a nice day



Signed,
Agitated, unpaid, Haaretz intern and moderator of the talkbacks
(although you know my real identity don't you now)



oh ps daynas room has also started to mold so it looks like i could be homeless by the time work is over, NO BIGGIE

anywho more later

water blogged

have i mentioned that our apartment building flooded two days ago

that ours appears to be the worst

that im the only one that had to sleep there that night because at 230 in the morning when i got home i had no where else to go

that creepy israeli men walked in and out all night and the following morning

that there were a ton of HUGE fans in our apartment "blowing" the floor dry and this big refrigerator looking thing that sucks the water out of the carpet and into the toilet

the fans are like 100 decibels its horrible

to make matters even worse our evil landlord amit called serena and i into his bomb shelter office yesterday afternoon to tell us that we've been booted from our luxurious apartment and sent out into the abyss, so they can rip up all our fabulous carpets to replace them

ive stuffed all the necessities into my camping pack and hit the streetz

of course by the streetz i do mean that ive moved into daynas abandoned room for the next two-six days in the apartment directly below ours, that is unless something more appealing comes my way

the ceiling is leaking in daynas apartment and the light fixtures have pooled with water, plus one time i saw a cockroach in stephanies bed UGH

the point of all this is that its terrible and awful and it shouldn’t have ever happened to me specifically

on the bright side i did go to a food and wine festival last night, of course it was an Israeli sized festival but still a festival none the less. that was nice, expensive nosh and alcohol really do cheer me up like nothing else

more to come in the water damage saga im sure
stay tuned

Anne

well ok

ok so almost too much has happened since I last posted. Im going to briefly summarize it all up and say, both my parents/grandmothers visit and my bat mitzvah were lovely. Do you know how before something happens you have an image of how it will turn out in your mind. How people will react, what things will be like, you know all that jazz? Well it was actually like that, and its never like that.


Ive also been violently ill, shil shul, it’s a killer ya know. Thank the heavens im better now, but there sure were a couple of days where I was about ready to cut my little tum-tum out my body and toss it onto the ground, good as it was doing me. sitting in our steamy horrible little apartment for three full days watching the foul programming on HOT television networks was less than thrilling, although I did force myself into finishing a lesson before dying (reading is good kids). what an interesting message for those of you thatve read it (although ive heard it was quite a popular read in like sixth grade so I doubt most of you remember it) one day I hope to be reading at my equivalent grade level, which is still, as Ive heard from my new place of matriculation, a freshman in college. Always the youngest huh, well time catches up with us all doesn’t it. A 21 year old freshman is basically all Ive ever wanted, especially if that means I can go to university a mere five minute walk from my parents front door. Dream of dreams. Well at least im moving steps closer to being an aimless 20-something WITH a degree, and that’s really all my parents want ya know.

Before I have to go and subject myself to classroom lecture-style learning at uni Ive still go the summer to finish off the last two years of my wretched wasteful life, so here are my fun sounding hypothetical planz!

June 18th my tumultuous ten months here in am yisrael come to an end (we really need to think of an appropriate segue for this blog to continue after this date…)
Somewhere between June 19th – July 1st id really love to be backpacking through Thailand with virtually anyone whod like to come, otherwise it looks like Ill be touring Egypt and Jordan before spending a couple of days in nyc
Ive heard tale that BWP is planning on coming to visit the Metropolitan DC/Baltimore area for the celebration of our nations independence on July 4th in this lovely year of our lord
Following which I might have to sojourn into the jungles of the south to see him in Columbia
Also Ive heard early august ill be attending the Virgin music festival in Baltimore, this would be a good time for you to come out and meet me amongst my many friends and fans, I can most easily be found haunting the dance tent and checking out some prime acts on the main stages. hopefully you know my taste in music, its not too difficult (read: gay male style electronica/lesbian style songstress paired with either piano or guitar, perhaps both)

Up for debate are trips I could always use company for to Chicago, Hilton Head, Boulder, Pennsylvania (enlighten me as to why so many Jews call this home) and of course New York

Of course I also apparently need to have a job this summer, which is such a taxing idea to think about. I suppose Ill serve tables (don’t worry Brio Im not coming back) unless you’ve got a better idea of how I can make cash in hand quickly.

Side: I wish when I wrote interactive things to you, you would write back. That’s how this is supposed to work. Not that it isn’t pleasant to hear directly from you that you enjoy my blog, but then how will everyone else know. Its all about internet popularity.

Ok over that side

So I turn 21 at the end of august, my fake has expired in October and it looks like Im facing a lonely two months of living with my parents and having no where to go. Although getting older is the bane of, well, everyone’s existence, lord please let those months fly by. Believe you me when august 24th arrives it will be glorious. Hopefully by sept 1st ill be out of the house and living as any independent woman should, completely dependent on my parents until someone else chooses to take on my financial responsibility.

It looks as if its lunch time at work, how fun.










Just as a short afterwards:
I want to thank everyone for either coming and participating in my bat mitzvah or for your thoughts and well wishes, as well as generous gifts. It all means a lot.



- Anne

Caitlin Thomas (and her jewish roommate)

well hello caitlin,

how are you? hopefully well. its thursday so i suppose youre gearing up for another fun weekend out there in blacksburg, that should be nice. i wish you all the best with that. you know college is winding down though, and those fun weekends too. man thats kind of depressing, ya know no more pregaming at your pad, no more stumbling in at 4 in the morning with a random boy (even if it is to your twin bed). youre sure going to miss that i bet.


OH WAIT!!!

A SOLUTION

caitlin, continue the party next year by moving in with brandon andrew and i. man why didnt i think of this sooner. god arent i a godsend. this solves all of your problems! and hey its very moderately priced, priced to sell one might even say. and its near several job opportunity locations and a major highway to speedily get you down to the nations capitol. goodness.

(caitlins jewish roommate really this is good for you too, i mean dont you want somewhere to stay when you come to visit? i mean dont get me wrong im sure you could stay at her parents but they arent jewish and i am so that would probably make you feel more comfortable, im sure you dont disagree)

anyways caitlin point being, i think i could MAYBE talk andrew and brandon into letting you be our fourth. obviously this is an honor, and shouldnt be looked down upon. next year could be the best year, so just let it!


ok GOOD so then we can draft up papers soon

ps im thinking some sort of blue palate what do you think???



ANNNEEE

RIP

RIP to the best friend ive ever had

WAFFLE HOUSE SWEATSHIRT

barb admitted to throwing you out

what a terrible person

ill always remember the good times....


feat: carey and elyse




feat: amreth "antrhax" daniel long



just me



god doesnt she know what a comfort you were to me all those times i was too drunk to function



-not only did this wretched thing happen to me today-


BUUT


while sharon and i were walking about in the shuk (open air market) shopping around for tacky knick knacks and gaudy jewelzzz i can wear to offer nissim on friday another one of my horrible ridiculous things happened. first off, we are walking and i stopped to check out one of the stands and this foreign aid worker RAMMED the elderly mad she was pushing in a wheelchair into my leg. i dealt though, because i mean i probably shouldnt have just abruptly stopped....then again she did also hit sharon while we were walking for no reason. so ok whatever that happens, that shit happens all the time, but the real story is after we got away from the vicious wheelchair woman and actually stopped at a stand. i was looking at this heinous but kind of AMAZING silver snake coil necklace/bracelet. i ended up deciding against it, and told the man id think about it. i tried to hand it back, he didnt take it, so i kind of stuck my arm further out, he still didnt take it so i was like "fine, whatever here you go" and tossed it back down to where id picked it up from. NO LIE, seriously NO LIE, he goes something along the lines of, "UGHARRGHH" and thennnnn PUNCHED ME. i swear to god. he HIT me in the arm like he punched me. i like cant even. i can not EVEN. i told sharon and she was like, "i didnt see that it didnt happen" but then i showed her the knuckle marks, because it DID happen. LORD my life sometime. anyways, after that TRAUMA i told sharon we had to leave and in a HURRY, of course we took an alternate route, i couldnt see my assailant again. HELL IM A BATTERED WOMAN.




since all of these awful things happened i just HAD to get sushi and ice cream (not exactly in the budget...) and i STOLE kylie minogues entire 10th studio album X offline. dont be mad kylie, youre brightening a day in the life of someone, and isnt that why you got into this business in the first place?




Anne

obsessed with Southie

on my way to work today legitimately the most UNUSUAL thing happened to me.

not just like strange or slightly off, but
UNUSUAL
and i never use that word

(also please say unusual several times out loud real quick, isnt it a treat for your larynx and diaphragm. well i sure think so. it allows me to express virtually the entirety of my full bodied timbre in just one word. it just rolls around in there, lovely)

so about 45 minutes into my hour long sojourn to work, deep in the darkest depths of South Tel Aviv, this elderly woman starts motioning at me on the side walk. i respectfully took off my headphones and listened to her say a bunch of crazy shit in hebrew, something about my shirt and "ein li yad" which to me directly translates to "i am without hand". well she had two hands and i was like "you cant have my shirt". strange people approach me all the time in israel so i was kind of like, ok i knowt he drill, im going to leave now. but then she lifted her shawl up a little bit and what do you know shes in only a bra. we are talking about like a 65 year old woman with a cane thing wandering the streets of tel aviv in a bra at 9 o'clock in the morning. then i nocticed that there appeared to be a ripped shirt around her neck. so im like, alright i get whats going on here, this crazy woman that thinks she has no hands ripped her shirt and now she wants mine. i was all like back off lady, you cant have my ingrid michaelson shirt, my mom bought it for me, ya know.

as im trying to back away and leave she kind of grabbed me and then with her left arm grabbed her right to demonstrate that in fact she has a lame right arm. besides feeling like i could probably improve my hebrew quite substantially, this is around the time i realize im way too absorbed in whatever is going to happen next to care if this woman is really a gypsy and several small children are lurking close behind to steal my valuables (ie my israel phone, university of colorado student id bearing my high school senior picture, several receipts and my new bathing suit). over the next few minutes and several one armed hand motions i realize that its not a ripped shirt, she just cant get it on, and in fact is expecting me to dress her in the middle of the sidewalk. first off i have no idea how she got the level of dressedness that she was currently at, but i got to thinking, she very well might have left her house for the sole purpose of finding someone to dress her, and that made me sad. i really like old people, even ones with dry skin and hairy armpits like this one. so i unslung her purse (again how did she get that on, she must be like a wizard with one arm), set it on the ground, and set to work putting her spandex black and white polka-dotted shirt on. (in retrospect i should have known she didnt want my ingrid michaelson shirt, different styles you know). i had to curl her right arm up into a little ball so i could try to just shoot it out the end of the sleeve, i think it worked pretty well and thank goodness for the spandex. once we got that bad boy through, we were able to a bit more gracefully slid her other arm in. the i pulled the shirt down around the bod, and after the shirt was officially on and covering both her arms and mid section i resettled her shawl and whipped the purse back on. she thanked me, i think, or said something, i dont know, snatched up her walking platform stick thing with the good hand and scuttled off.

most UNUSUAL five minutes of my life.








also read Haaretz.com today, scroll down to the bottom of the page, see the opinion section. yes thats right i did that. no, no, dont be silly i didnt write any of the articles, but i did pick, caption and crop that picture, as well as write the 3 lines explaining the story. dont be too impressed!

Anne